
In 50 years when my grandchildren open an American History textbook I hope this is a page they can turn to.
We’re all going to hell.
Random thoughts whilst I ponder my disability to sleep. If you find yourself smiling at the mere thought of someone you once cared about, or still care about, just doing what they’ve always dreamed and enjoying their successes, sharing that joy and pride.. what does that mean? I know there’s not a solid answer for such a question, but I find myself in a confusing state-of-mind when this happens. I’m in no way a part of their life (not how I wanted it, but you can’t control these things) and despite all the negativity surrounding that endless abyss of mystery, I just find myself naturally happy for them. Slightly bummed they won’t allow me in their ‘bubble’ of joy, if you will, but happy nonetheless. I’ve been inspired in such a way and have had my feet secured to the ground with which I now stand because of some of the things this person has said and/or done to me. I’m in love with the person he’s helped me secure in myself. It saddens me to imagine coming to terms with the idea of letting this person go.. but when you’ve tried everything to make them see what you see in them in you, and fail.. I guess there isn’t much else you can do. I find it very strange.. how opposite opposites can really be. You can feel so strongly for a person and in turn, they feel nothing but.. well, nothing for you. Even at a time when you find yourself remembering the times they’d smile at you and you just knew.. hotdamn, I like you. and you like me. and things are great. We, are great. Those memories quickly spiral back into the reality you’re now in where nothing is as it was and you’re mentally preparing to say goodbye to those loving thoughts and feelings, one at a time, a day at a time, ‘til eventually you’re back to feeling the same toward one another.. but this time, it’s the long-desired nothing you’ve reached to numb the days of unrequited passion. The constant exuding joy never reciprocated has finally ceased, and it’s as though the path through like, love, and heartache never happened. Do I want that? Or do I want to cling on to my sliver of giving-and-not-receiving feelings because it’s the random spurts of happiness that keep me driving towards my own success, my own something to be proud of.. I’d like to think so. and maybe some day I’ll have my own “fan” who is just as proud of me as I am of myself. Except I’ll let them in.











